I really hate going to the gym. The smell, the stale air - it gets to me. What has really kept me going is watching old episodes of Biggest Loser. I watch it every night I am on the treadmill. It is a lot easier to push through when I'm watching a 450lb person trying to run a mile or bike a marathon. I do think the trainers sometimes underestimate that the bigger you are the harder it is to get moving. But I figure that if people almost twice my size can do it then what's my sorry excuse?
The one thing I really don't get is how they are able to work out for 6 hours a day on like 1200 calories. I eat about 1800-2000 calories a day (which, according to my research, was the lowest recommendation for someone my size to lose weight safely). When I work out for an hour on the treadmill I burn about 550 calories off of the total. I am trying to do this the healthy way, since I can't afford a doctor or nutritionist on my own right now.
I have also been watching "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV. It's an interesting show but I get a little frustrated with it sometimes. The weight loss stories are amazing but the whining gets to me. The people on it are kids and they tend to cry and ask "why me" or carry on about how "it's not fair". Not to be a jerk but I have a low tolerance for that type of attitude. We are fat because we eat too much food instead of coping with our problems. Honestly, that should be the easy part to admit. I have never wondered why I'm fat. I wonder why I use food to numb myself to the world around me.
While I appreciate these shows, I do wish there were shows that focus a bit more on the emotional aspect of overeating. Sometimes they touch on it but it's never really looked at as the driving force. I honestly think I'd struggle even if I had a personal trainer and chef at my disposal. I'd have a bad day and start tearing apart the cabinets looking for food the moment I was alone.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Wavering...
Well, my week continued into a downward spiral. I have had a few binge days, though they were better than my normal binge days. I have also continued going to the gym so that's something....I guess....
I have noticed some important things. I tend to want to binge whenever I don't make it to the gym. This has been difficult since, if I don't take a couple of days off a week, my back gets really sore. I really don't know what to do about this. I guess I am going to try adding in some type of exercise on my off days - either on the recumbent bike or using my wii. It just has to be something a little easier on my back than the usual hill climbs or elliptical.
The other thing I've noticed is my ridiculous lack of energy. I am eating better and exercising often yet I still feel like I drag through my day. It's really aggravating. My game plan to tackle this is to try and regulate my sleep schedule - which is a bit off. I am also going to add some fiber and grains in at breakfast. Probably better than my normal breakfast of white toast.
It has been hard to get into the writing this last week or two due to an English class I'm taking. I love writing yet hate being told what to write. Kind of a problem in the classroom. I am feeling a bit burned out. But I also feel like my loneliness and stress is helping to drive my overeating.
So, I will be trying to write a bit more often. I think what I really need is therapy but not having a job makes that virtually impossible. I hope I can work this out on my own. At the very least, I need to try a bit harder.
I have noticed some important things. I tend to want to binge whenever I don't make it to the gym. This has been difficult since, if I don't take a couple of days off a week, my back gets really sore. I really don't know what to do about this. I guess I am going to try adding in some type of exercise on my off days - either on the recumbent bike or using my wii. It just has to be something a little easier on my back than the usual hill climbs or elliptical.
The other thing I've noticed is my ridiculous lack of energy. I am eating better and exercising often yet I still feel like I drag through my day. It's really aggravating. My game plan to tackle this is to try and regulate my sleep schedule - which is a bit off. I am also going to add some fiber and grains in at breakfast. Probably better than my normal breakfast of white toast.
It has been hard to get into the writing this last week or two due to an English class I'm taking. I love writing yet hate being told what to write. Kind of a problem in the classroom. I am feeling a bit burned out. But I also feel like my loneliness and stress is helping to drive my overeating.
So, I will be trying to write a bit more often. I think what I really need is therapy but not having a job makes that virtually impossible. I hope I can work this out on my own. At the very least, I need to try a bit harder.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
What a Week...
Well, I guess it has actually been a little more than a week since my last post. I did write a post a few days ago but didn't get it up before my computer shut down. Meh....I didn't really like the post anyway.
So, last week I had a few "interesting" things happen that tested my commitment.
- My doctor cleared my last restriction (lifting).
- I subsequently lost my disability payments.
- I now need to pay a ridiculous amount of money to retain my health insurance.
I was laid off from my job shortly before Thanksgiving, when my protection under FMLA ran out (actually THE day it ran out). The company is laying off a large number of people in March and saw the opportunity to give one less person a severance package. I still had a minor lifting restriction at the time. I had disability and my health care was going to cost $7 a month.
Not surprisingly, I am no longer eligible for disability and the health insurance discount. In MA, health insurance is required and I have a pre-existing condition. I am still trying to sort out what my options are as far as unemployment and state health care.....
I have also been trying to stay positive on the job front. I started looking for jobs (on a different career path) before Christmas but it is a tough job market out there. TONS of competitors. Once the doctor cleared my restriction, I started looking in my former field - Biotech. Of course, I am getting a lot more interest because I have more experience in the biotech field. The problem is I was hoping not to return to the field. I work as a technician in a clean room and it is INCREDIBLY hard on the back. I knew so many people there with back problems.
Anyway, I will do what I must to pay the bills. I have struggled being out of work this long and it has been contributing to my overall depression. I come from a very blue collar background and have always worked hard for what I have. I have never been out of work this long before.
The good news is I am continuing to lose weight. This week has really shown me that my previous method of coping (i.e. avoidance) was not working. I did try to eat a little extra candy or some ice cream a few times and you know what I felt.........even more empty. It just made me feel sick and hollow inside. So, I went to the gym and kicked my own butt. My new method of "coping".
So, last week I had a few "interesting" things happen that tested my commitment.
- My doctor cleared my last restriction (lifting).
- I subsequently lost my disability payments.
- I now need to pay a ridiculous amount of money to retain my health insurance.
I was laid off from my job shortly before Thanksgiving, when my protection under FMLA ran out (actually THE day it ran out). The company is laying off a large number of people in March and saw the opportunity to give one less person a severance package. I still had a minor lifting restriction at the time. I had disability and my health care was going to cost $7 a month.
Not surprisingly, I am no longer eligible for disability and the health insurance discount. In MA, health insurance is required and I have a pre-existing condition. I am still trying to sort out what my options are as far as unemployment and state health care.....
I have also been trying to stay positive on the job front. I started looking for jobs (on a different career path) before Christmas but it is a tough job market out there. TONS of competitors. Once the doctor cleared my restriction, I started looking in my former field - Biotech. Of course, I am getting a lot more interest because I have more experience in the biotech field. The problem is I was hoping not to return to the field. I work as a technician in a clean room and it is INCREDIBLY hard on the back. I knew so many people there with back problems.
Anyway, I will do what I must to pay the bills. I have struggled being out of work this long and it has been contributing to my overall depression. I come from a very blue collar background and have always worked hard for what I have. I have never been out of work this long before.
The good news is I am continuing to lose weight. This week has really shown me that my previous method of coping (i.e. avoidance) was not working. I did try to eat a little extra candy or some ice cream a few times and you know what I felt.........even more empty. It just made me feel sick and hollow inside. So, I went to the gym and kicked my own butt. My new method of "coping".
Sunday, January 23, 2011
In the beginning
I have been eating healthier now for approximately two weeks. For me, this has meant focusing more on correct portion sizes and calorie intake. I am also trying to add some whole grains and a variety of veggies back into my diet. Baby steps.....
So far, I have managed to lose two pounds. Considering that I was in Atlantic City for an anniversary trip last week, that's not too bad. I did not eat very healthy in AC and this was immediately obvious to me when I did try to exercise. I have started a program called 100 push ups and I was doing pretty well adding reps into my routine - until I tried it in AC. After a night of not-so-careful eating, I could barely push myself off the ground. Yikes! Needless to say, I was happy to return to a more ordered eating structure when I came home.
Now, I just have to worry about fighting with my back. I would love to add more to my workouts but I find that an hour of walking (with hills) on the treadmill is usually all I can handle. On good days I try to put in an additional 15 minutes on the bike. I also do some minor strength training - crunches, push ups and squats - a few times a week. After 3 or 4 days of this my back usually requires a rest. I do have a 6-inch scar and my doctor told me that it would take up to a year for those muscles to fully recover from the "trauma".
So, I am trying hard to be patient with myself. I am NOT a patient person so this is my biggest obstacle. In the past, this has led me straight to binging. Now, though, I keep glancing at the brownies in the cupboard and reminding myself how much worse I will feel if I do indulge. I hope I soon reach the point where everyday is no longer a battle. I remain hopeful.
So far, I have managed to lose two pounds. Considering that I was in Atlantic City for an anniversary trip last week, that's not too bad. I did not eat very healthy in AC and this was immediately obvious to me when I did try to exercise. I have started a program called 100 push ups and I was doing pretty well adding reps into my routine - until I tried it in AC. After a night of not-so-careful eating, I could barely push myself off the ground. Yikes! Needless to say, I was happy to return to a more ordered eating structure when I came home.
Now, I just have to worry about fighting with my back. I would love to add more to my workouts but I find that an hour of walking (with hills) on the treadmill is usually all I can handle. On good days I try to put in an additional 15 minutes on the bike. I also do some minor strength training - crunches, push ups and squats - a few times a week. After 3 or 4 days of this my back usually requires a rest. I do have a 6-inch scar and my doctor told me that it would take up to a year for those muscles to fully recover from the "trauma".
So, I am trying hard to be patient with myself. I am NOT a patient person so this is my biggest obstacle. In the past, this has led me straight to binging. Now, though, I keep glancing at the brownies in the cupboard and reminding myself how much worse I will feel if I do indulge. I hope I soon reach the point where everyday is no longer a battle. I remain hopeful.
On back surgery and being "too young"
While my problems with food began a long time ago, I have had more recent obstacles on my road to "recovery". You see, I was actually on the road to a healthier lifestyle almost five years ago. I had started a running program and I was starting to eat better. I really enjoyed running and, despite being painfully slow and flat-footed, I was excited to finally find an exercise that I genuinely loved. Then the back problems started.
I first noticed a dull ache in my lower back when I was traveling to a car race with my boyfriend. I had just gotten a new car- a tiny, sporty little Miata that I was absolutely in love with. I assumed that I was just "getting older" and my back had to get used to the seats. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning of my problems.
After a month or more had passed and the back aches continued, I went to my primary care. I was given a large dose of aspirin and told to come back if it persisted. Unfortunately, it did. I even started getting some sciatica (leg pain). And so began three years of increasing pain, constant medication and an endless stream of doctors.
I was working as a technician at a drug company and my job was intensely physical. My back pain got so bad that I used to take time out at work to go hide somewhere and cry. Meanwhile, I was spending a lot of my free time in physical therapy, which didn't help. I saw an endless stream of doctors - most of whom told me I was "too young to be in so much pain". No kidding? None of them wanted to perform something as drastic as surgery on someone who was only in their late twenties. One rocket science even told me I was overweight and should exercise more. When I asked him how I was supposed to do this, since I was in so much pain that I had to be on hard drugs to get through my days, he just shrugged and dismissed me. This was the same doctor who a male friend had seen. This friend of mine is easily 450lbs but I guess the doctor felt no need to lecture him on HIS weight. (I was delighted to find out later from my primary care that this doctor is under investigation because of numerous patient complaints).
To make a long story short, this went on for three years. Then my friend, who had told me all along I would probably need surgery, sent me to her doctor. This particular friend is brutally honest and recommended me to this doctor because she trusted him not to "bullshit" her. This recommendation turned out to be a godsend. This doctor was also slightly hesitant to operate but, after hearing my story, agreed that I might need a spinal fusion. I underwent some additional tests and found out I was a good candidate for this type of surgery. The doctor told me I would never be pain free but the goal was to get me at least 50% better. While this may sound like a small change, it was worth it for me. At that point I was using a cane on a somewhat regular basis and vicodin was barely working for the pain.
I had spinal fusion surgery in July of last year. Was it painful and difficult to recover from? Yes. Would I do it again? Of course. Aside from some persistent muscle spasms a month or so after surgery, my recovery went well. I was up with a walker within two days of surgery. Six weeks later I didn't even need my cane anymore. It is a very difficult surgery to recover from but I think my age and determination played a big part.
Walking is the best exercise for a back surgery patient - and I haven't stopped walking since I left the hospital. Over the past six months, I have slowly worked up to walking 3.5 miles up to five times a week. I was also able to start using an exercise bike again.
One of the best things I have noticed about all this exercise is an overall improvement in my health. I have not been sick with any sort of cold or infection since before my surgery. This is pretty impressive for someone who used to get sick whenever someone sneezed near her.
Now my goal is to link this new found appreciation for exercise with some healthier eating habits and some weight loss...
I first noticed a dull ache in my lower back when I was traveling to a car race with my boyfriend. I had just gotten a new car- a tiny, sporty little Miata that I was absolutely in love with. I assumed that I was just "getting older" and my back had to get used to the seats. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning of my problems.
After a month or more had passed and the back aches continued, I went to my primary care. I was given a large dose of aspirin and told to come back if it persisted. Unfortunately, it did. I even started getting some sciatica (leg pain). And so began three years of increasing pain, constant medication and an endless stream of doctors.
I was working as a technician at a drug company and my job was intensely physical. My back pain got so bad that I used to take time out at work to go hide somewhere and cry. Meanwhile, I was spending a lot of my free time in physical therapy, which didn't help. I saw an endless stream of doctors - most of whom told me I was "too young to be in so much pain". No kidding? None of them wanted to perform something as drastic as surgery on someone who was only in their late twenties. One rocket science even told me I was overweight and should exercise more. When I asked him how I was supposed to do this, since I was in so much pain that I had to be on hard drugs to get through my days, he just shrugged and dismissed me. This was the same doctor who a male friend had seen. This friend of mine is easily 450lbs but I guess the doctor felt no need to lecture him on HIS weight. (I was delighted to find out later from my primary care that this doctor is under investigation because of numerous patient complaints).
To make a long story short, this went on for three years. Then my friend, who had told me all along I would probably need surgery, sent me to her doctor. This particular friend is brutally honest and recommended me to this doctor because she trusted him not to "bullshit" her. This recommendation turned out to be a godsend. This doctor was also slightly hesitant to operate but, after hearing my story, agreed that I might need a spinal fusion. I underwent some additional tests and found out I was a good candidate for this type of surgery. The doctor told me I would never be pain free but the goal was to get me at least 50% better. While this may sound like a small change, it was worth it for me. At that point I was using a cane on a somewhat regular basis and vicodin was barely working for the pain.
I had spinal fusion surgery in July of last year. Was it painful and difficult to recover from? Yes. Would I do it again? Of course. Aside from some persistent muscle spasms a month or so after surgery, my recovery went well. I was up with a walker within two days of surgery. Six weeks later I didn't even need my cane anymore. It is a very difficult surgery to recover from but I think my age and determination played a big part.
Walking is the best exercise for a back surgery patient - and I haven't stopped walking since I left the hospital. Over the past six months, I have slowly worked up to walking 3.5 miles up to five times a week. I was also able to start using an exercise bike again.
One of the best things I have noticed about all this exercise is an overall improvement in my health. I have not been sick with any sort of cold or infection since before my surgery. This is pretty impressive for someone who used to get sick whenever someone sneezed near her.
Now my goal is to link this new found appreciation for exercise with some healthier eating habits and some weight loss...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Intro
I guess I will begin by saying that I have not always been overweight. I was a healthy enough kid up until I hit the age of 17 or so. Since then, it has all been downhill....
While I was never actually over weight as a child, I do remember thinking that I was. I have few photos of myself after the age of puberty or so. You see, at the age of about 10 I was living with my mother (who was obese) and an alcoholic stepfather. What I did not know at the time was that my mother was jealous of me as I started developing. I guess she felt that my stepfather would be more interested in me than her. Sick...yes. Logical....no. But who ever said parents where very logical.
So, I went through my teenage years wearing baggy clothing to hide what my mother told me was a rather large derriere. Why would I listen to her, you ask. Why not? I thought my mother might have been trying to save me the embarrassment of what she went through as an overweight young woman. It was not until years later, and shortly before I moved out, that she shared her sick theory of my stepfather being more attracted to me than her.
To make a long story short, I left when I was 17. Between the verbal abuse from my stepfather and my slightly off-balance mother I felt I had no choice. Unfortunately, my mother's unfounded criticism soon became a reality. I lived with my grandfather and then my future husband and began packing on the pounds. By the time I got married, at the young age of 19, I was wearing a size 18 wedding dress.
Now here I am, 31 years old and a divorce later. I am in a much happier place in my life that includes a great relationship and a great career. The problem is that I am still not happy with my body. After a recent surgery I managed to get down to a tight size 16. I have been regularly exercising for the past 6 months or so but have yet to lose more than a few pounds. Something has to change.
While I was never actually over weight as a child, I do remember thinking that I was. I have few photos of myself after the age of puberty or so. You see, at the age of about 10 I was living with my mother (who was obese) and an alcoholic stepfather. What I did not know at the time was that my mother was jealous of me as I started developing. I guess she felt that my stepfather would be more interested in me than her. Sick...yes. Logical....no. But who ever said parents where very logical.
So, I went through my teenage years wearing baggy clothing to hide what my mother told me was a rather large derriere. Why would I listen to her, you ask. Why not? I thought my mother might have been trying to save me the embarrassment of what she went through as an overweight young woman. It was not until years later, and shortly before I moved out, that she shared her sick theory of my stepfather being more attracted to me than her.
To make a long story short, I left when I was 17. Between the verbal abuse from my stepfather and my slightly off-balance mother I felt I had no choice. Unfortunately, my mother's unfounded criticism soon became a reality. I lived with my grandfather and then my future husband and began packing on the pounds. By the time I got married, at the young age of 19, I was wearing a size 18 wedding dress.
Now here I am, 31 years old and a divorce later. I am in a much happier place in my life that includes a great relationship and a great career. The problem is that I am still not happy with my body. After a recent surgery I managed to get down to a tight size 16. I have been regularly exercising for the past 6 months or so but have yet to lose more than a few pounds. Something has to change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)