Inspiration

I really hate going to the gym.  The smell, the stale air - it gets to me.  What has really kept me going is watching old episodes of Biggest Loser.  I watch it every night I am on the treadmill.  It is a lot easier to push through when I'm watching a 450lb person trying to run a mile or bike a marathon.  I do think the trainers sometimes underestimate that the bigger you are the harder it is to get moving.  But I figure that if people almost twice my size can do it then what's my sorry excuse?

The one thing I really don't get is how they are able to work out for 6 hours a day on like 1200 calories.  I eat about 1800-2000 calories a day (which, according to my research, was the lowest recommendation for someone my size to lose weight safely).  When I work out for an hour on the treadmill I burn about 550 calories off of the total.  I am trying to do this the healthy way, since I can't afford a doctor or nutritionist on my own right now.

I have also been watching "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV.  It's an interesting show but I get a little frustrated with it sometimes.  The weight loss stories are amazing but the whining gets to me.  The people on it are kids and they tend to cry and ask "why me" or carry on about how "it's not fair".  Not to be a jerk but I have a low tolerance for that type of attitude.  We are fat because we eat too much food instead of coping with our problems.  Honestly, that should be the easy part to admit.  I have never wondered why I'm fat.  I wonder why I use food to numb myself to the world around me.

While I appreciate these shows, I do wish there were shows that focus a bit more on the emotional aspect of overeating.  Sometimes they touch on it but it's never really looked at as the driving force.  I honestly think I'd struggle even if I had a personal trainer and chef at my disposal.  I'd have a bad day and start tearing apart the cabinets looking for food the moment I was alone.

Wavering...

Well, my week continued into a downward spiral.  I have had a few binge days, though they were better than my normal binge days.  I have also continued going to the gym so that's something....I guess....

I have noticed some important things.  I tend to want to binge whenever I don't make it to the gym.  This has been difficult since, if I don't take a couple of days off a week, my back gets really sore.  I really don't know what to do about this.  I guess I am going to try adding in some type of exercise on my off days - either on the recumbent bike or using my wii.  It just has to be something a little easier on my back than the usual hill climbs or elliptical.

The other thing I've noticed is my ridiculous lack of energy.  I am eating better and exercising often yet I still feel like I drag through my day.  It's really aggravating.  My game plan to tackle this is to try and regulate my sleep schedule - which is a bit off.  I am also going to add some fiber and grains in at breakfast.  Probably better than my normal breakfast of white toast.

It has been hard to get into the writing this last week or two due to an English class I'm taking.  I love writing yet hate being told what to write.  Kind of a problem in the classroom.  I am feeling a bit burned out.  But I also feel like my loneliness and stress is helping to drive my overeating. 

So, I will be trying to write a bit more often.  I think what I really need is therapy but not having a job makes that virtually impossible.  I hope I can work this out on my own.  At the very least, I need to try a bit harder.

What a Week...

Well, I guess it has actually been a little more than a week since my last post.  I did write a post a few days ago but didn't get it up before my computer shut down.  Meh....I didn't really like the post anyway.

So, last week I had a few "interesting" things happen that tested my commitment.

- My doctor cleared my last restriction (lifting).
- I subsequently lost my disability payments.
- I now need to pay a ridiculous amount of money to retain my health insurance.

I was laid off from my job shortly before Thanksgiving, when my protection under FMLA ran out (actually THE day it ran out).  The company is laying off a large number of people in March and saw the opportunity to give one less person a severance package.  I still had a minor lifting restriction at the time.  I had disability and my health care was going to cost $7 a month.

Not surprisingly, I am no longer eligible for disability and the health insurance discount.  In MA, health insurance is required and I have a pre-existing condition.  I am still trying to sort out what my options are as far as unemployment and state health care.....

I have also been trying to stay positive on the job front.  I started looking for jobs (on a different career path) before Christmas but it is a tough job market out there.  TONS of competitors.  Once the doctor cleared my restriction, I started looking in my former field - Biotech.  Of course, I am getting a lot more interest because I have more experience in the biotech field.  The problem is I was hoping not to return to the field.  I work as a technician in a clean room and it is INCREDIBLY hard on the back.  I knew so many people there with back problems.

Anyway, I will do what I must to pay the bills.  I have struggled being out of work this long and it has been contributing to my overall depression.  I come from a very blue collar background and have always worked hard for what I have.  I have never been out of work this long before.

The good news is I am continuing to lose weight.  This week has really shown me that my previous method of coping (i.e. avoidance) was not working.  I did try to eat a little extra candy or some ice cream a few times and you know what I felt.........even more empty.  It just made me feel sick and hollow inside.  So, I went to the gym and kicked my own butt.  My new method of "coping".